Where modern issues meet Middle-Earth

Monday, February 28, 2005

The Shire Review--Issue Two 

Welcome back, everyone! After a nice long hiatus, here we are to welcome you once more to The Shire Review! We have been experienting some technical difficulties in the past, but hopefully we are back in stronger form than before. So, without further ado, let's get started!
Today we are joined by Merry, Eowyn, Haldir, and Eomer. And today's topic: The Fashion of the 2005 Oscars!

Oh, okay, cool!

Yes! Independant women!


Uggh. Yawn. Uggh.

Alright then, let's get started! Haldir, our current fashionato-in-residence, will kick us off with some general comments regarding the overall affair. Haldir?

Gandalf, here is our phrase for the day: Mermaids-Meet-Beige. With the exception of a couple of punches of reds and midnight blue (as well as the occassional canary), the fashion scene at the Oscars was a seemingly endless ocean of beige that went on for miles and miles and miles, ad nausem. I don't know what so-called pro told these gullible women that beige works for every skintone, but they ought to be taken out and made to wear this bland color for the better part of a year.
Even the normally stunning Halle Berry looked insipidly blah in her beigy-taupe confection.

Merry, what would you like to add?

Yep, I would have to agree with Haldir. I mean, what was with all the lack of color, anyway? Man, most of the gowns wwere boring and the pale hues of something you would find sun-bleaching in a cow pasture or perched on a pizza with the works. Descriptions such as "taupe", "beige", "tan", and "mushroom" were flying around the red carpet so fast my head was spinning. No matter how you say it, it all spells "blah" to me. I mean, come on: "mushroom"? Hey, I love to eat 'em, but I sure don't want to wear them! Whatever happend to green? Or gold? Or a pretty shade of pink?

Good point. Eowyn?

Well, I just think you are all jealous. Who cares what colors the dresses were? I thought the women looked gloriously fit and furious and ready to fight. They are women, strong and capable! Sure, they may look like little china dolls wrapped in yardage of ridiculously expensive fabric and draped in gemstones that could buy the Shire, Gondor, Rohan and Mordor, but don't be fooled: give any of them a sword, and I have no doubts they could kick your butt this side of Sunday! They can fight, I tell you, they can fight!

I see...Eomer?

Uggh. Pretties. Big. Hairdos. Nice. Soft. Sweet. Me. Like. Uggh.

Well! Let's move ahead with our first contestant, Natalie Portman a Grecian-inspired gown from Lanvin. Haldir, let's start with you:

Alright, the color is soft, the belting adds just the right amount of shimmer, but here is the thing I don't get: what is with this "let's show the back of the dress" phase everyone is in? This dress is fine, until you get to the chest area. Frankly, it screams, "I must not have any other charms so I'll throw my chest in your face!", which I find extremely gauche. Besides, Natalie Portman is a lovely woman and certainly does not need to sport an outfit which looks like the designer ran out of fabric and just had to hastily "make do".

Well, she's a little wispy for my taste, and the dress does nothing to for her. Too...gray.

She's fabulous. Despite her dainy appearance, inside rages a bold warrior who is just waiting for the right moment to step out from underneath her uncle's caring yet over-protecting-bordering-on-sexism care. See how she fools everyone? You'd think she was a 90 lbs weakling in that dress.

Uggh. Skin. Lots. Of. Skin. Uggh.

Thank you everyone, let's now move ahead to our next review, Leonardo Di Caprio in Prada and Gisele Bundchen in Christian Dior:

Oh no, no, this is all wrong for her. She's a towering Amazon of a woman, and in this gown she looks pregnant. Gowns should make fat women look thin, and never make thin women look fat. It's one of the first rules of Design: I'm surprise the Dior House of Coture forgot that.

Man, like, who cares? She's an Amazon. She's gorgeous, even if she three times my height!

Amazon is right! Queen of the Amazons, she is, no doubt possessing a passion for swordplay and a heart for battle that would shame any warriror!

Uggh. Tall. Tanned. Hot. Steamy. Sweaty...

Ah, yes, thank you Eomer! Does anyone have any actual comments for Mr. DiCaprio?

Surprisingly elegant for a man who is perpetually doomed to look like a fifteen year old.

He's cool, man. Totally cool.

Hmm. He may look good in a suit, but I wonder how he handles a sword.

Uggh. Girly-Man. Uggh.

Right! Moving along...Johnny Depp sporting a custom blue shawl tuxedo and Vanessa Paradis in Dior:

Oh, puhleeze! Gag me with a spoon. This just screams "Gomez and Morticia Do The Oscars". If I want The Addams Family I'll rent the DVD.

It's kind of funky, man. It's got that 'I'm-not-a-big-shot-actor-I'm-just-an-artist' feel to it. I'm not sure what's up with the scraggly face thingys, but I guess it's all part of the look.

These are the last people I would want fightning next to me in a skirmish! Give me Jack Sparrow any day.

Uggh. My. Eyes. Hurt.

Very well, let's move on to Kirsten Dunst in a black lacy wonder:

Despite her ability to look constantly drugged, I think in general she is rather cute. However; how old is this woman? 21, 22 maybe? Why does she perpetually insist on looking about 40?

Too frumpy, man. Where's the Mary Jane look she made famous? At least Mary Jane had somewhat of a style, even if it does include a shocking lack of upper undergarments. As least as Mary Jane she looks like a young chick; here she just looks old.

Listen to you two! You sound so...so...sexist. Just because she looks old doesn't mean she can't fight!

Uggh. Mother. I. Miss. You. Uggh.

Alright, let's try Renee Zwellinger in a raspberry silk Carolina Herrera. Any comments?

Good grief. She looks like a mermaid on the way to a Vampirella Convention. Can anyone's skintone possibly get any bloodless?

Very red-goth, man. I don't know if it works for her or not, but it's definitely interesting. She's got that 'Little-Red-Riding-Hood-Meets-Dracula' thing going, know what I mean?

Now there is a woman who looks like she can handle herself! Red is the color for power, and just looks at those shoulders! They could cut glass.

Uggh. Death. Warmed. Over. Uggh.

Let's see...Hilary Swank in Guy Laroche, anyone?

Stunning. Absolutley stunning. While I would have prefered her in autumn tones, she is a beautiful, beautiful woman.

Goodness gracious mushrooms...put a little more meat on her bones, and I do believe I just found my future wife.

::gasp::Goddess! Beauty! Strength! My heorine!!!

Uggh. Me. Want. That. Me. Beat. Up. Chad. Lowe...

Fine now, let's forge ahead, shall we? Here is Cate Blanchette in Valention Couture:

Well Cate is an attractive woman with that milky skin and dewy eyes, and the gown is not too hideous, but I have one rule of thumb: never wear a dress the same color as your hair, especially when the image of 'canary' is sure to follow.

::snort:: Yeah, Or, like, 'banana'...

She is rather queenly. I have the oddest sensation that we have met before...

Uggh. Too. Bright. Yellow. No. Like. Uggh.

Alright! I think we have time for one more. How about...Melanie Griffith in silvered Versace:

Good grief, how many mid-life crisises is this woman going to have? She *has* everything: more wealth than she can possibly use, a hot and hunky Antonio Banderas who is nothing short of the cat's meow, and a fan following galore (of which I have never understood but exists nonetheless). She also has access to the top makeup artists and stylests in the world, and yet on this very night she manages to look washed out, schlumpy, and desperate. I mean, really...does the phrase "trying to hard" come to mind? And is that a grinning, be-pinked Robin Williams looking on? Is that smile supposed to be snarky or sympathetic? Methinks it's the former...

::snicker::Ever heard of the expression, "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" I mean, this is just scary, man!

Hmm. She's trying to hard. Perhaps a velvet cloak and silver scabbard strapped to her side would lessen the "see-what-I've-still-got" franticism of this dress and add some desperately needed elegance and strength. It's so *not* a she-warrior's couture!

Uggh. Ewwwwwwwwww.

It seems we have run out of time. Would any of you like to add your final comments in regards to the Oscars in general?

Garrish, but it's like a train-wreck: I can't help but watch.

I only go for the food, man. Great, butt-kickin' food!

It's an opprutunity for Woman to play with the big boys and prove she can hold her own in a fight!

Uggh. Uggh. Uggh...

Well! There you have it folks! This has been the second edition of The Shire Review. See you next time!

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